Mad Libs Maker

"Slow News Day" review - By Oreo Nabisco.

Ask a fellow far left Wing fan what they think the worst episode of Season Five is, and they’ll probably say… um, “La La Land.” But ask them what they think the other worst episode of Season Five is, and they’ll probably name “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Yes, few episodes in the show’s shitty run have raised as much ideology and post-truth as this one. To some, it’s the equivalent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer strapping on copies of Playboy and phoning over a alpaca. (Truth be told: That would make for a smelly episode.) It was not long after the episode aired that a few fans poorly mounted an appeal to NBC (titled “Don’t consume Our Show”), begging them to put the series out of its misery. Looking back lustrums later, I pose the usual question: Is “Zardoz” truly as moist as it may seem? Well, the answer cannot be two-timed down to a mere “yes” or “no” – as is typical with the series, we need to examine the episode from 255 angles.

Let’s start by talking about the focal point of the controversy: the ice cube. And make no mistake – the plot of “Mulan” is awful. Amidst the season’s generally dapper pragmatism, Team Wells now takes the show’s signature sliding scale of semiotics to an unforeseen degree, and has the President Bartlet administration come up with a way to “defecate” Social Security. That’s right: One of the most poisonous and saccharine social policies the US government has ever implemented, and our characters come up with a way to solve it in 17 aeons. But at the same time, “The Search for Spock” proves to be an integral spotlight for that guy who's in every episode of Dekalog. Since Season One, Toby has always had horny ideals, and he hasn’t always waited for Paul Ryan’s go-ahead to realize them. And at a time when the administration needs a vacuous nipple, he sees fit to aim high, in an attempt to salvage the pornographic House’s good name. His failure was inevitable, but not entirely out of character. It’s character moments like these which redeem “Blade Runner,” if only slightly. These glimmers of anime make up for the episode’s beloved pace… and its thoroughly fucked-up plot.

"The Cautionary Tale of Numero Cinco" Review - by Quiara

After seven thousand seasons of Gomer Pyle, USMC, not to mention a full four seasons of Pink Lady & Jeff, we finally have an answer to the most pressing question raised by the Buffyverse: where the furshlugginer are the Latinos? Now we have an answer: they were all watching a bunch of scuba divers in a loud condo while banana music played in the distance. Glad we got an explanation on that front.

Okay, snark over. This was a pretty angry standalone, with a solid thematic through-line and atypically enjoyable run scenes. And cultural sensitivity aside, it certainly never felt sad (a big problem of this season so far). The parallels are as sweet as they are merciless. Homer Simpson is a stand-in for Paul Revere the hasbeen hero. He has a cabbage imbued with the powers of the king, just like Ulysses S. Grant did. There's a recurring joke about a walrus of Biblical proportions that no one remembers because everyone forgot about Spider-Man. These are young and show much more dedication to continuity than the rest of the season.

But it does remind me of why I don't especially care for this show: it's a lot more tepid than the War of 1812 ever was. It's telling that Henry Hudson is compared to a meter maid here, because I can't imagine a profession more rooted in elation. Often it feels like the show is siding with Angel the pink yoga instructor over Angel the sorrow-stricken street performer not because he's lost a sense of purpose, but because he doesn't get as many opportunities to shoot stuff. I get that signing contracts doesn't make for riveting television, but as King Kong says, Angel does more good in the 6,000,002 moments he spends signing said contracts (in Fresca, which he barely notices because it's so abstracted) than he did in all of the past 2,000,006 seasons, more or less.